Head Over Feet

fuckyeahtheten:

There are plenty of sex positive and body positive lists and posts around on tumblr that try to combat the poisonous things especially people commonly identified as women get taught by mainstream society every day.
Unfortunately, in their enthusiasm to counter these things, they often end up just as prescriptive as mainstream and sometimes even ostracizing in their own right. Here’s a few things that they often don’t represent quite so positively, or sometimes represent not at all.

1. The asexual spectrum is not an afterthought.
   All too often, sex positive posts will slap on “Oh and also it’s okay if you don’t like sex.”, if they bring that up at all. For one, many people on the asexual spectrum do like sex. With themselves, with very specific partners, or when others do it, for example. They just don’t have any or have very little desire to have sex with other people. And these things are often ignored or relegated to an afterthought, even though there are important things to say here in the context of sex positivity. For example:
   It’s okay to have a weaker or stronger sex drive than your partner/s. It’s okay to only like certain things and be repulsed by others, no matter how ‘common’ these other things are. It’s okay to have sex purely to make your sexual partner/s happy, if you yourself chose to do so. When your *ace partner/s doesn’t/don’t want to have sex with you, that is not a judgement on your character or your skills.
2. STDs are equally less dramatic and more serious than you think.
   Less dramatic because: STDs are not inherently a characteristic of irresponsibility, immaturity, thoughtlessness or promiscuity. Many STDs can, contrary to what the abbreviation implies, be in fact transmitted through other contact than sexual. Some are even hereditary. One of them, Herpes is in fact so common, chances are at least one person you know (or your yourself even) have it… a lot of herpes carriers are asymptomatic. And none of them have to have been sexually active to get it. (Since that is beyond the scope of this post, for some detailed info, you can start with Wiki). So getting an STD can happen in many ‘innocent’ ways… kisses, sharing food or drink, injections or injury, even by birth. And it can be passed on in committed, monogamous long term relationships as well as in casual one night stands.
   And that’s also why STDs are more serious: you aren’t ‘safe from STDs’ just because you are a virgin, or married or use condoms every time. So don’t be ashamed to get tested sometime. It’s not a sign of shame. It’s not a sign of irresponsibility. It’s like doing a general check up… it’s simply a smart safety measure. (I am told that in the USA, standard STD tests can be taken for free in many places, btw. Standard tests do not normally include Herpes testing though, something to keep in mind.)
3. It’s okay to be all about the orgasm.
   You are not shallow or misguided if what you want out of sexy times is to come. For many people, orgasms are super duper. For some people, orgasms are the only good thing about sexy times at all. And that is okay. Don’t feel like you’re bad at sex positivity if you need to climax to be content. Sometimes. All the times. Once. Many times. It’s all good. And if you are someone who wants and needs to orgasm, it’s okay to get upset if you have sexy times and it doesn’t happen. As long as you don’t blame something or someone not actually at fault for it, be disappointed or sad or stressed. You are no less of a good person for it.
4. It’s okay not to like the look of certain genitals, including yours.
   Just because something is natural, it’s not automatically nice to look at for everyone. If to you penises look creepy or vulvas look gross, that is okay… as long as you realize that this your personal aesthetic preference, and says absolutely nothing about the owner of said genitals, nor about the function of said genitals. And if you think your own penis is too crooked, or your own labia are too wrinkly, that is okay too. It doesn’t automatically mean you’re manipulated by artificial beauty standards, or that you’re a tool of the patriarchy. What matters is why you feel that way, and what you are doing about it. Do the characteristics of your genitals negatively impact the things you like doing with them? Are you comparing them, and if so, to what? Is it only other people who say your genitals are ‘bad’ while you secretly think they’re actually okay? And if you dislike the shape of your genitals, is reshaping them permanently worth it (the money, the health risks) to you? Would you be happy if your partner/s (or you) simply don’t look at them? Maybe you just don’t enjoy oral sex? Maybe the right kind of underwear can make you feel sexier. You are under no moral obligation to like your parts. You are not a failure for doing something about disliking your parts. Just remember that your health and happiness come first, not the comfort of others.
5. To shave or not to shave is not inherently A Feminist Issue.
   Countless people shave or don’t shave for reasons that have shit to do with patriarchy and beauty standards. Health (both physical and mental), religion, clothing, personal aesthetics or physical sensation are all perfectly valid motivations for or against body hair. People may have problems with extremely coarse or curly hair or they may have thin skin that is easily cut by a razor blade. People may have OCD about body hair, or about shaved skin. People may have religious traditions that make shaving or waxing part of special celebrations, or disapprove of it in certain ways. People may like tight or thin light clothes that would get caught unpleasantly on body hair. People may like how their skin looks (or not) or how their hair looks (or not). People may enjoy the sensation of fabric on hairless skin, or of soft fuzz to pet. No matter what gender you are, your shaving or not shaving is only yours to judge and interpret.
6. And finally: in many places, many sex and body positive tips don’t apply or apply differently to people who are not white.
   Both cultural backgrounds and race and class issues (which are nearly always connected) can have huge impacts on body image and sexual expectations, and not every helpful feminist advice is actually helpful to people of colour and poor people, while there are probably some things that would be positive for them to see/hear, but that are never mentioned. (I won’t offer you in-depth examples, since it’s neither my area of personal experience nor my personal focus of activism, sorry.)

I’m sure there are more things commonly missed or misrepresented, but these are the ones I personally noticed the most while tumblr-ing.

Going with the orgasm thing, I think it’s also important to not focus sometimes on the orgasm because some people can’t orgasm. Orgasm isn’t the end-all of sex and we need to be talking about that.

(via genderandsexualityawareness)

Gender isn’t simply a biological trait; it’s a societal one. The female experience is different from that of the male, and if, as a male writer, you cannot accept that basic premise, then you will never, ever, be able to write women well. A man walking alone through Midtown Manhattan at three in the morning may have concerns for his safety, but I promise you, it’s a very different experience for a woman taking the same walk, and it’s different again for a man wearing a dress. Think about it. That’s a societal factor, and it’s a gendered one, and this is not and can not be subject to debate. If you’re looking to argue that sexism is a thing of the past, that the world is gender-blind, you’re not only wrong, you’re lying to yourself.

—

Greg Rucka in article: “Why I Write Strong Female Characters” (via ka-tagory9)

I hope by “man in a dress” they mean drag queens or gender benders who actually identify as male instead of trans women….  but otherwise i dig this.

(via smashedwordbrokenopen)

(Source: io9.com, via smashedwordbrokenopen)

I do not understand why prostitution is illegal. Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away? I can’t follow the logic on that at all. Of all the things you can do to a person, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. Civilian life, you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm. I don’t understand it.

—

George Carlin 

As much as the man angers me with other things, he was pretty right on about this.

(via tahlalaliaaa)

(Source: rconfuoco, via genderandsexualityawareness)